So, first of all, I've finally accepted that for all intensive purposes the world, and, more specifically, America, as we know it shall cease to exist within a few hundred years of this writing. I imagine it will be, as most deaths are, slow and tedious to watch. But in the finals days of our so called democracy, I know that they will point to these times, specifically, this election, regardless of it's actual outcome come the fall, as the stewing pot, where all the seeds and dregs of hatred and stupidity, ignorance, fear; all of our follies finally laid open and dancing with each other for the general electorate.
It's hard to be a little bumblebee happily humming away when the hive is looking so seriously compromised.
Second, on a connected but more personal level, I'm finally opening my eyes to a mood disorder that's been torturing my psyche for years, and will probably continue to do so indefinitely. It's unsettling peeling back the mask of some of my worst times, but also my most productive times, and finding that even when I value them my extremes may come at a cost, and with more severity than other peoples. And the times spent crying for no reason have started to increase in number with age. And the days turn to weeks in a fog of emptiness, a pit of clawing fundamental inadequacy, whispers coming from sharp objects, pain brewing in the very pit of my soul, only to dissolve, crumble, fade into bright, unfading optimism. The world is MINE.
Now I have to decide how much more I can take being a slave to these mental conditions. I believe I was put in this body/brain type to conquer those emotions, and to fully realize the middle way. And can I even begin to reign in these chemicals on my own? Should I employ the help of some external chemicals? I am still not sure.
Depression is what keeps me hating myself, in some ways, I've learned to depend on it, to trust it, that voice of doubt that suddenly can seem so powerful. And yet, I'm embarrassed by how sad the world makes me, I'm horrified at my own wish for death, at the flashing images of self violence that come when I'm panicked, anxious about my own abilities, my life thus far, convinced I haven't done enough-
and then the comes the Hypomania, fueling my work output, It's why I'll suddenly churn out all the work I hadn't done in months, it's why I'm up writing this and completing a website at 1:41 in the morning, while my boyfriend is fast asleep and Netflix had long ago asked me if I was still there. I'm still here, sometimes I think it must be a miracle, but I'm still here. It's why suddenly I have to call/text and see my friends everyday when seeing any familiar name on my caller id the week before had made me cringe.
I've been reading up a lot on Bipolar II, and I do feel that the symptoms seem to match. I'm waiting to get officially diagnosed, but in the meantime, it's there, on the table, staring at me in the face and growling.
what does magick have to do with this?
The truth is I'm not quite sure yet. I know I have a problem, and that is there are specifically two states of mind that seem to be working against each other, and I need them align better, and to work towards a common goal. I need to find unity between
and if that means taking new drugs to do it, I might think about it. But after all these years of being basically an armchair occultist, I have to see this as finally the opportunity hone and develop my craft for a specific purpose; mainly, to heal and rebalance myself chemically. I go away to Greece to be with my mother on the 9th. During this time I will not have access to marijuana, which is my tried and true method of self medication. Hopefully this exodus to the west will help me rebuild myself. I plan to practice austerities every morning before dawn, every day at mid-day, and every night following sunset for 30 days straight. I will consume an all vegetarian diet, and attempt to perform the opening of the watchtower upon my return. This blog's focus will be my own experiments in healing myself through meditation/yoga/diet/althetics/a little bit of magick.